My childhood was nothing out of the ordinary, I come from a great family and was showered with love. Somehow within all of this, I felt alone and very separate from my high achieving siblings, whom I thought I could never measure up to. I was constantly comparing myself to them and felt like I was failing at every turn. What I did not realise as a youngster was that I COULD measure up, just in different ways. It did not help that I had un-diagnosed ADHD. Meaning I spent my childhood in trouble and ostracized for things I could not control – adding to my painful fear of never measuring up.
Fast forward to my early teens, it was in the “older crowd” I thought I had found the feeling of belonging I’d been searching for. I tried pot for the first time at 12 and that is the day my life changed. I did not know it at the time, but I now look back on that moment with a clear feeling and acceptance I was an addict from that first bong. It instantly made me feel a part of something and this would be the track for the next 17 years. The next few years drinking, and smoking pot continued. When I was 16 my uncle who had suffered for years as an alcoholic tragically died from the disease. He never had the luxury I have found in 12 step programs. This rattled me and pushed me further onto the path of addiction.
The next 4 or so years alcohol, a lot of party drugs and copious amounts of weed were consumed daily. I was somewhat functional and fell into a great job building water fronts. I felt I was ok. Throughout this time, I was constantly causing trouble, starting fights and just being an all-round idiot.
On one of my birthdays in my early 20’s, was the night that would impact me for the rest of my life and catapulted me further into the depths of my addiction than I could ever have thought possible. I was out for my birthday, and I was the drunkest I’d ever been, I still have no memory of the night, but I still clearly remember the next morning. I awoke seedy and dusty in a police cell and was informed I was being charged for murder. My head was spinning, I felt sick, and I had to sit down. I was denied bail and spent the next 2.5 years on remand awaiting trial. I was bounced from prison to prison and quickly took to drugs I’d never tried to attempt to quell the pain and try and make jail bearable and just maybe forget for the day that if found guilty I was looking at 20 years jail. I am not without excruciating guilt for my actions, and it is something I will carry for the rest of my life. This has changed me, and no words could ever mend the pain that I have caused. The only way I believe I can live the rest of my life is by trying to help people not make the same mistakes I have and help free them from the depths of addiction. My dream is that the world be a petter place for all human beings. I cannot change what I have done but maybe I can help to reduce the impact that addiction and alcohol fuelled violence have on the innocent people in it.
My trial lasted 4 weeks and was mentally and physically exhausting. The jury ultimately found me not guilty of murder but guilty of manslaughter and I was sentenced to 4.5 years in jail, with 3-years of parole. I completed my sentence using whatever drugs I could find. I got out with the intention of doing the right thing and not using. I still had a lesson to learn, and I learnt it hard. I ended up on ice, using up to a ball a day when I had the money, doing little crimes to get on, such vicious cycle! I was eventually charged for an armed rob and sentenced to another 3.5 years. This is ultimately what I needed and where my life began to change.
I did a program called Ngura Nura at Long Bay where I reduced off methadone and taken to external 12 step meetings. I applied for Glebe House and was to be released directly to them. On the morning of 15th August 2017, I was released, and my journey into recovery began. To be honest I just wanted an out from jail, I had no intention of staying clean or even completing the program. But complete it I did, and I went on to study Community Services at TAFE. I started getting some time up and saw the opportunity in this new way of life. I’m free from parole for the first time in 12 years.
On my 2 years clean the manager at Glebe House offered me a casual position, to which I jumped at the opportunity. I have recently been made a permanent worker and it is testament to what I was taught at Glebe House that I now work there! I am working a job I love and genuinely feel I am helping this world become a better place.
12 step fellowships have given me so much more than I could ever have imagined. I have a sense of self today and genuinely love the person that I am. I am an uncle to my nephew, and he has never seen me once in a bad state, I am a loving son and brother and I have an amazing partner, in a relationship where we actually respect one another and allow each other to grow. Learning acceptance was key, admitting that I was an addict to me was the first step of acceptance and the only step I needed to get 100%. I am a little over 3 years clean today and living a life beyond my wildest dreams.
Take care of the inches and they become miles.
